11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
