I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
