Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
