My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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