Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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