I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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