I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We were destined to go to rehab together
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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