ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
