I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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