his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
