before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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