My hand turned me down
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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