My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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