did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
