I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
