I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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