i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
