his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
