I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize