if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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