Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
