I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
