Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Mom said you looked used
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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