It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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