wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
