Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
