I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
