all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
