I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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