I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
