I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
