I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
