I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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