Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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