I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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