Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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