BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
