I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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