Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
