i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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