Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
