There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
