i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
