hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
