If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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