i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
