I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
