In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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