My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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