I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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