we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
