I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
