Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
