Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
