i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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