and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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